Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
Randomize
