3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Randomize
