Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
Randomize
