Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
Randomize
