Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
