Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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