I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
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