I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Randomize
