You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Randomize
