Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
