Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
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