Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
