im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
