evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Randomize
