Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
Randomize
