i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
Is it bad that everytime I read or hear "Woo Hoo" I immediately think of sex because of The Sims?
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Randomize
