Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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