I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
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