if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
