I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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