the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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