saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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