Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Randomize
