They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
he laminated a picture of his dick.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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