um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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