??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
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