I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
