so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
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