he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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