I cannot find my penis.
I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
