I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
Randomize
