My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
