Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
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