Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Randomize
