I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
