Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
