Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
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