Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Damn victory sex feels great
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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