life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
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