im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
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