Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
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