im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
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