Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Randomize
