Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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