your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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