Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
