New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
The air taste purple.
Randomize
