New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
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