Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
They have beer where we have blood.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
