You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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