those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
