last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
