even my farts smell like vagina
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
