I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
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