I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
